If you even think for a second about putting a wind farm near my house, I will come to your home while you sleep and beat you to death with your own ornamental stairway railing. I’m not arguing with you about how important wind power is; I just don’t ever want to see one of them within 275 miles of my home. I live in peaceful, quiet country, where neighbors treat each other with respect, where our 6,000 square-foot houses need room to breath, and where the rolling hillsides should not be interrupted by giant white monstrosities whipping their blades around at 1,000 miles per hour. So don’t even fucking consider it.

And I haven’t even addressed my summer home at Cape May. I mean, I’m honestly getting choked with rage right now as I consider the possibility that you might soil my view of the sublime, endless ocean with two-inch high turbines 15 miles out to sea. If I so much as sniff a plan for an offshore wind farm within a week’s yacht ride of that house, you and all your commie, crunchy friends will be hunted down and slaughtered, one by one.

Look, take a lesson from the oil companies: they never tried to foist their energy infrastructure on we well-meaning, humble and hard-working denizens of the country’s top tax bracket. Are there pipelines that could burst into flame near my summer home? Are there giant oil tanks in these pleasant rolling hills around my house? No. You know where they are? Near poor people, of course. So please, renewable energy mavens: keep your turbines where they belong, or I will feed your face into a high-powered ceiling fan.

“Our ancient traditions are being threatened by the Cape Wind proposal,” said Wampanoag spokesperson Simon Culver. “It has been our right since the dawn of time to provide acres of slot machines along with low-limit table games, solid nightly entertainment and a delicious all-you-can eat casino buffet for only $12.95. By building these unsightly turbines only a few miles offshore, we can no longer greet the glorious sunrise from the tops of our money mountains. This is unacceptable.”

The Mashpee Wampanoag do not actually run a casino at this juncture. After formal recognition of their tribal status by the government in 2007, though, they have started the legal processes that will eventually lead to the non-existent Cape Wind turbines somehow being in the way of their ritual greeting of the sun. One tribe member who wished to remain anonymous said that he prefers things to be in the way of the sun anyway. “There’s enough alcoholism here that keeping the sun out of our eyes in the morning should be the greatest thing to ever happen to us. Other than that poker room they’re going to build. That will be sweet.”

Cape Wind proponents say the offshore wind turbines will be capable of providing about 75 percent of Cape Cod’s electricity demands, with basically zero greenhouse gas emissions. The project has been beset by problems from the beginning, though, with powerful enemies including the Kennedy family. The project seemed finally headed for approval, though, until the Mashpee and Aquinnah Wampanoags filed their complaint involving their spiritual traditions.

“There are better ways to take on the challenges presented by oil dependence and global warming than Cape Wind,” said Culver, the Mashpee spokesperson. “And don’t forget: as soon as we get this casino built, we’ve got Ray Romano booked for two straight weeks of stand-up. Stay at the hotel and get discounted tickets!”

Wind power has been touted as one of the key pieces of the renewable energy puzzle that will hopefully end the world’s reliance on dirty fossil fuels, but without the Almighty’s holy breath upon them the thousands of turbines already deployed will be no more than oversized lawn ornaments.

“Look, I’m all for renewable energy sources,” God told the Sacramento Bee. “Just not in my back yard, okay?”

When asked where else humanity could look to try and stop the emission of billions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere every year, God shrugged and mumbled something about wave power before turning his focus to a Presbyterian church in Vermont that appeared to be asking for his help.

God’s only son, Jesus Christ, could not be reached for comment about his father’s decision to turn off the wind faucet. Satan, however, quickly called a press conference outside his home in Gary, Indiana, and offered to reveal a few more large deposits of extremely dirty energy sources to replace the lost wind energy. “I’ve got this huge pile of crap up in Canada that you might be able to drag some power out of,” he said. When told that billions of dollars and many thousands of workers were already deployed to extract the tar sands from Alberta, the Devil said “Really? Man, who told you guys about that shit storm?”

It is unclear if God will maintain his no-wind position indefinitely. The archangel Gabriel assured a reporter with the AFP that God is “fickle” when it comes to how best to solve the global warming crisis, and that he guesses the wind turbines will be turning again shortly. For now, though, several world powers are considering taking Zeus up on his offer to send some controlled lightning bolts in order to power urban centers. Negotiations for payment—most likely in the form of Greek hookers—are ongoing.