Official White House photo of Copenhagen negotiations in mid-failure.

Reactions to the last-minute Copenhagen Accord “signed” recently have ranged from dismissive to depressed to masturbatory. Here are some of those reactions, kinda.

President Obama: This was a historic agreement, in that it happened in history. The history of this past weekend will remember the Copenhagen Accord. Well, the history itself won’t remember it, because it’s more of an abstract idea than an actual thing that might be able to remember something. Where are my goddamn speech writers?

China President Hu Jintao: Everyone thinks we were fighting the transparency issue because we want to pretend to meet our emissions goals but completely fail to do so in reality. Totally untrue. We were actually fighting the transparency issue because we want to distract everyone from our continuing human rights violations. I think it worked.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown: The Copenhagen Accord is a joke! We need to seriously fight climate change! I appear to have found an issue on which I can safely say strong things that kind of distance me from the US and I won’t really get in trouble for it, and I’ll look super cool to all the environmentalists in the world! Woot!

Brazil President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva: How cool is my name? Seriously. Look at it. It’s getting you hot, I can tell. No, we don’t really want to stop cutting down rainforests, it’s kinda lucrative. Thanks though.

India Prime Minister Monmohan Singh: Do you know why we collectively failed to produce any solid emissions targets in Copenhagen? No? Me neither. Weird, right?

350.org Founder Bill McKibben: You’re all miserable failures. We’re all going to die in a rain of hellfire. The UN process is completely broken. I’m giving up and buying some property about ten miles inland in Bangladesh. It will be worth TONS in a decade or two.

Kenya President Mwai Kibaki: Our country is going to turn into a giant desert due to climate change-induced mega-droughts. This sucks. Give us $300 billion to fix this. We won’t spend it on improving hotels for white people on safari. As far as you know.

Inconvenient Truther Al Gore: Did anybody see my super awesome rap debate with that jackass Lord Monckton? I kinda kicked ass, right? Right?

South Africa President Jacob Zuma: The Copenhagen Accord was a big enough failure that the next huge international event will represent a chance for all to come together and repair our collective broken image. This event is the World Cup, which, coincidentally, takes place here in South Africa in June. You guys should totally come and buy lots of stuff while you’re here. What? No, the Olympics don’t count. Who the fuck cares about the Olympics?

With President Obama making his first visit to China this week, the top two emitters of greenhouse gases in the world have pledged to “definitely possibly plan on agreeing on a mostly binding emissions target in the days, weeks, months and years following the Copenhagen summit,” a spokesperson for the Chinese government said.

A number of other countries have also signed on to the agreement to agree on an agreement, maybe. Germany, a leader in wind power and other renewable energy projects, has committed to considering the possibility of joining a climate treaty that may or may not be written by 2014. Italy and France followed suit shortly after Germany’s announcement, with an Italian government spokesperson adding they hoped to set a timetable to plan on the next meeting “soonish.”

In his weekly web address, President Obama stressed the need to combat climate change before some of the more catastrophic effects are realized. “Achieving energy independence, reducing our reliance on fossil fuels and lowering our emissions of carbon dioxide and other gases are all inextricably linked. That is why I and other world leaders have come to a substantive agreement to discuss this issue again in the near future, with the eventual goal of possibly deciding on a course of action that might help. That decision will most likely come at a future summit, the planning of which we will set a date for when we meet in Copenhagen next month.”

Mack Johnny, CEO of Hole Foods, complained that private grocers will not be able to compete against a public produce option.  He feels that his stores are going to be particularly harmed:

“The college educated, self-righteous, 30-somthing elitists are our market, and the White House is clearly looking to take advantage of this demographics’ unhealthy obsession with the president to push their White House CSA.” He went on to add, “Oh, wait, I forgot to explain that by CSA I mean Communist Supported Agriculture not Community Supported Agriculture.  Make sure you put that in there, it’s pretty witty and it’s a good way to color this administration as a bunch of commies without coming out and saying it.  Hey, that would actually make a great title, dont you think?  Are you still recording this?”

Obama assured his critics that the White House farmers market will not have an unfair advantage and will not steal business away from the private businesses.  “There are over 50 million people in America that don’t have access to vegetables and the White House farmers market will feed them all.” When asked how the relatively small garden would feed 50 million people Obama responded that those numbers would be feasible with a combination of improving efficiency and magic.

His critics on the far right were not buying the charm.  Fair and balanced “journalist” Lenny Peck pointed out that the Nazis grew vegetables and drew parallels to Obama and his administration:

“I’m not saying that Obama is a Nazi, I’m just saying that he’s a white supremacist fascist dictator that was born in Nazi Germany and was personally responsible for the holocaust and isn’t done yet because he is going to kill your grandmother with his Nazi vegetables…  Just sayin’.”

Seen here, AMERICAN BORN former presidential hopefuls share their discontent with a Kenyan immigrant taking a good American job.   Is that Senator Inhofe?