Hockey stick graph my ass.

The deniers have been out in force recently, trumpeting about how the extended cold snap in many parts of the world is evidence that global warming is a myth. I am well aware of the convincing scientific arguments as to why that is utter nonsense, and that the last decade was the hottest ever recorded, and all of that. Really, I am. But I have to tell you: I am just freezing my fucking nuts off right now.

Seriously, have you been outside in the last week or two? It’s terrible! Yesterday I walked three blocks to pick up my dry cleaning, and on the way back I lost all feeling in my left side. I thought I was having a stroke! And I’m mostly confident that I wasn’t.

I understand completely how a few weeks of cold weather in the winter has very little to do with the extended trends of the planet warming, but you have to admit that this is getting weird. I mean, if you were God, and you wanted to convince people that they actually were pretty powerless and that you can raise or lower the temperature when you damn well please, wouldn’t you throw this cold snap in our face just to get your point across? I know I would.

Shit, even Florida is freezing these days! The whole orange crop is going to be lost, or something! I thought there were laws against winter in Florida. The mercury drops another couple of degrees, and we’ll have a state full of frozen old people.

I’d like to believe in global warming. Really. I want Congress to pass an effective climate bill, I want our economy to invest in energy efficiency and green jobs, and I want to help keep carbon dioxide to whatever level that batshit insane McKibben guy crows about. But what I really want is a space heater and a down comforter. I want to feel my face again when I go outside. I want my testicles to finally descend out of their hiding place somewhere near my kidneys. If we have to deal with global warming, I want to feel like I’m dealing with global warming. Until then, I’m staying inside.

“The impending global warming disaster will raise sea levels by several feet, putting our entire nation at risk,” the ad stated. “As hilarious as this sounds, it is not a joke: we need someone to stick a finger in our dikes. Not dyke, dike. Okay? Just relax.”

The popular legend of a boy who saved his town by spending all night plugging up a leaking dike is the basis for this call to action, but a spokesperson for the Netherlands government said that the story was actually written by an American author and has no basis in reality. This will be a case of fact following fiction, and the Netherlands wants to be completely clear that fingering the dike holes is no laughing matter.

“Look, it’s not our fault they’re called dikes, okay? Well, we suppose you can make some lesbian jokes while you’re performing your crucial duties, but seriously, c’mon,” the ad went on. “We all die or are forced to move to Belgium or New Jersey if you can’t do this one simple job. So forget about violating girls who don’t even want your hands up in there anyway. You’re not fingerbanging a twat bandit, you’re saving the lives of millions.”

It concluded by stating that the Netherlands is an equal opportunity employer.