“Tom G. Danvers, who works in BP’s Houston office — or should we say, used to work there — really screwed this up for everyone else,” the report’s executive summary stated. The report, which clocks in at 672 pages and goes into excruciating details on all the safety measures and potential causes of the lapse, found that only one person at BP, Transocean or Halliburton has any liability whatsoever.

“Really, everyone involved with drilling on the Deepwater Horizon rig performed admirably, right down to neglecting to run appropriate safety checks,” the report went on. “They couldn’t have been expected to act any differently, given that BP didn’t really require the checks, and the oversight from the US government was beyond minimal. Everything went exactly as it should have. Except for Tom. What a dick.”

Reached at his home outside of Houston, Danvers expressed shock that the blame for a disaster costing 11 lives and billions of dollars in cleanup and lost productivity appeared to come down entirely on him. “I just write copy for our green fuels initiatives web site!” he said. A BP spokesperson laughed when told of Danvers’ reaction, and said: “Not anymore he doesn’t!”

That's the country's president. Seriously.

The president of the low-lying island nation of the Maldives helped install solar panels on the roof of his official residence, but then apparently fled the country in the middle of the night. A panicked voice message left with the Associated Press from the president cited the fact that as a country, “the Maldives are totally fucked.”

A day later, the president sent an email from an undisclosed location with a calmer explanation for the timing of his expatriation: “We have some kick-ass tax credits for installing solar panels on rooftops,” he wrote. “So I decided I would cash that in before getting the fuck out of Dodge.”

The Maldives are among the most at-risk nations in the world as the oceans continue their rise due to climate change. Earlier this year the country reportedly ordered a “shit-ton” of sandbags apparently aimed at fortifying their shorelines. With close to 1,200 islands, though, it remains unclear if the shit-ton will be enough. The president, in his email, guessed that he would be only the first of many prominent citizens to leave the country “before we’re all breathing salt water. Seriously guys, get out of that place while you can.”

“It’s been a long, hard battle,” the environment said. “But this oil spill… man, that was just a masterstroke. I’ll give it to humanity: you guys sure know how to fight dirty.”

The move was met with joy in the coal, oil and gas industries. One spokesperson for Chevron said “Finally, that’s over! So, we’re good to go on the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, right? That’s on the table now?”

The environment said the oil spill in the Gulf was the felling blow, but cited a litany of other protracted battles that had taken too much of a toll for it to continue. “Global warming, deforestation, mass dolphin hunts in Japan… I mean, hydraulic fracturing! Where do you come up with these things?”

Environmental protection groups expressed their regret that their primary concern is packing it in. Mass layoffs happened quickly at the Sierra Club, NRDC and Environmental Defense Fund. President Obama signed an executive order renaming the Environmental Protection Agency the Commission to Plan the Funeral for the Environment.

The environment was congratulatory at the close of the press conference, saying that it had never come up against such an ingenious opponent.

“And now, I’ll just go away quietly. You can do what you want now; well, you already did that, but I won’t complain anymore.”

Though appointed by the President, EPA administrator Lisa Jackson can pretty much go home and do nothing.

Senator Lisa Murkowski (R—Alas.), fresh off her failure to block the Environmental Protection Agency from protecting the environment, has proposed another resolution with a much broader scope: it would block all government agencies from doing pretty much any of the stuff they’re supposed to do. There are indications of bipartisan support.

“Nothing should ever be done by unelected bureaucrats, everything that the government does needs to be handled by us, the elected officials,” Murkowski said during a press conference. “I am proposing that we put the power back into the representatives of the people of this country.” She walked away from the podium before a reporter could finish pointing out that government appointees are appointed by elected officials.

Reactions from the Senate were largely favorable, but calls to some of the agencies in question highlighted some concerns over just what might happen if agency powers are revoked en masse. A spokesperson at the Food and Drug Administration wondered, “Is Congress going to vote to approve every single drug coming on the market? Because that would make our jobs a whole lot easier, actually.”

When told of the resolution, Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner walked away mumbling “they want this shitstorm, it’s all theirs.” Among the other complicated and time consuming jobs that would fall back into the hands of Congress would be reviewing scientific research grants for the National Institutes of Health and approving licenses for nuclear power plants.

“Regulation of pretty much everything is too important to leave to the experts appointed specifically to regulate those things,” Murkowski said. “We members of Congress are more than capable when it comes to every last task the government should ever have, and this resolution would take the unnecessary powers away from government agencies.”

When reached for comment at home, former director of FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, Mike Brown, said “Seriously? And they couldn’t have done this five years ago? Shit.”

Krill are the small shrimp-like animals on which many whiles including blues and humpbacks feed. An incredibly important part of the ocean food chain, the Baleen Whale Legal Defense and Education Fund (slogan: “We Can Watch Ourselves, Thanks Very Much”) is starting a push to protect krill—until they can eat them, of course—and fight climate change, which could harm the krill habitat and food supply.

They acknowledged the campaign slogan’s relation to the ridiculous series of puns and rallying cries stemming from the original “drill baby drill.”

“The oil spill in the gulf brings to light the dangers the world’s oceans face from dependence on fossil fuels,” said the BWLDEF in a press release. “We whales really like krill. Stop killing them and junk. Krill baby krill!”

The BWLDEF was unavailable to comment for this article, because they are whales, live in the ocean, and can’t talk.

Most of the major environmental organizations are probably rolling out all sorts of events and press releases and activities to celebrate and promote awareness (we say “probably” because we haven’t actually checked), but here at TreeHumper we would like to take the opportunity to say thank you to some lesser known champions of the earth. Much lesser known. Here is a rundown of some of environmental heroes working a bit more under the radar.

GMC Sierra Club

Unlike its more well-known and wide-ranging cousin, the GMC Sierra Club spends all of its time driving around in its namesake, stopping wherever an environmental crime is occurring. Its members jump out of the car and dole out some what-for before speeding away again. In 2002, they singlehandedly stopped the felling of THREE trees in the Pacific Northwest.

Sea Goatherd Conservation Society

Using guerilla tactics, the Sea Goatherds work tirelessly to stop the senseless slaughter of that darling of the ocean, the sea goat. What, never heard of it? Me neither. Well, I called them and asked, and they told me to fuck off.

Environmental Offense Fund

Much like the GMC Sierra Club, these guys just fuck people up who do something bad to the environment. They’ve been around for a while. Ever hear from the captain of the Exxon Valdez after 1989? Yeah, didn’t think so.

PucePeace

I’m not really clear on what these guys do. They’re rabidly vocal, though, and generally will not compromise about anything, so really, they’re Greenpeace with an uglier name.

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals

This one is real! Or it was, sorta. Some guy registered the domain name back in 1996 and the OTHER group with that acronym sued him. Dicks.

Autobahn Society

This group, with a history dating back into the middle of last century, drive around Germany really fast and try not to hit birds along the way. They are… mostly successful.

National Resources Defense Council

This group formed as an offshoot of NRDC when a number of their employees went insane with anger because everyone kept thinking their N stood for “National.” All of its members are locked away in various mental institutions around the country, but they write lots of letters on recycled paper, or something.

“Come on, do I look 40?” Earth Day said, sporting a haircut that inspired whispers of a midlife crisis. Earth Day  was—reportedly—started in 1970 by Wisconsin Senator Gaylord (heh) Nelson. This year, celebrations have been planned around the world for its 40th year, but Earth Day dismissed the idea as unnecessary and “simply the wrong year!”

World Environment Day, which has engaged in an understated but bitter rivalry with Earth Day since the late 1980s, laughed at Earth Day’s denial of the 40-year mark. “Come on,” it said. “I’m 38, and I know full well that I didn’t exist when Earth Day got going. So how can that slut claim to be 36? Does it think we’re retarded?”

When told of the comment, Earth Day said that no, it does not think we’re retarded. It offered no alternative explanation for the confusion, though. The 40th birthday celebrations are apparently moving forward in spite of Earth Day’s objections. According to an anonymous aide, Earth Day will undergo significant Botox procedures before the 22nd in an effort to “put its best face forward.”

These guys thinks it will help to pass a climate bill. These guys call those guys assholes and say the exact opposite. Reuters says we’ll have to wait to see if health care reform is successful until we know how it will affect the rest of the president’s agenda; of course, much of the bill doesn’t take effect until 2018 or something, so uh, thanks Reuters.

Some other newspaper points out that there are other things to deal with too, so climate might have to wait. Politico says something about poisoning a well, so can someone call the cops and make sure to watch them for a few days, maybe? Thanks.

Also, a recent compromise on offshore drilling that appears to have found its way into an upcoming draft of a climate bill has “frightened” some environmental groups. But further investigation revealed the frightened ones to be the Audubon Society and the Rainforest Alliance, and everyone knows those guys are pussies anyway. I think it dates back to when the Environmental Defense Fund sexually assaulted both of them at a particularly rowdy party somewhere near Dupont Circle.

Clearly, no one really has any idea what will happen with climate and energy legislation. But health care passed, and every news outlet in the country is required to try and connect it to the other thing that people think Congress should do. But we resist, and report fearlessly that yes, the passage of health care doesn’t mean shit for the climate bill.