“It’s been a long, hard battle,” the environment said. “But this oil spill… man, that was just a masterstroke. I’ll give it to humanity: you guys sure know how to fight dirty.”

The move was met with joy in the coal, oil and gas industries. One spokesperson for Chevron said “Finally, that’s over! So, we’re good to go on the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, right? That’s on the table now?”

The environment said the oil spill in the Gulf was the felling blow, but cited a litany of other protracted battles that had taken too much of a toll for it to continue. “Global warming, deforestation, mass dolphin hunts in Japan… I mean, hydraulic fracturing! Where do you come up with these things?”

Environmental protection groups expressed their regret that their primary concern is packing it in. Mass layoffs happened quickly at the Sierra Club, NRDC and Environmental Defense Fund. President Obama signed an executive order renaming the Environmental Protection Agency the Commission to Plan the Funeral for the Environment.

The environment was congratulatory at the close of the press conference, saying that it had never come up against such an ingenious opponent.

“And now, I’ll just go away quietly. You can do what you want now; well, you already did that, but I won’t complain anymore.”

Clearly, this isn't enough to actually do anything for the environment.

A new poll of more than 5,000 people from around the country found that only a majority actually care about protecting the environment. Without the required supermajority, though, it will be impossible to move forward on all planet-saving measures.

“It’s really a shame that we could only get 59 percent,” said Amy Wilson, of South Bend, Indiana. “That only represents, what, maybe 175 million people or something? Obviously with such a small amount of people who care about the environment it will be completely unreasonable to actually do things like stop emitting greenhouse gases or reduce the amounts of dangerous chemicals in plastic bottles.”

The rules requiring a supermajority of the country to care about something in order to actually do it are not found anywhere in the Constitution. Strangely, a poll from 2007 found that more than 85 percent of the country doesn’t know that and wouldn’t want to change the non-existent rules.

In a blog post on his popular polling and policy site fivethirtyeight.com, analyst Nate Silver wrote that the environment poll numbers “seem robust enough to be accurate. I ran a simulation 10,000 times and came out with a supermajority who wanted to save the world only 279 times, meaning there is a very high chance the numbers are right and we’re going to go ahead and kill off thousands of species of animals, raise sea levels until coastal areas are under water and acidify the oceans until they become all but uninhabitable.”

Tom Willoughby, of Houston, said he participated in the poll and voted against environmental action. “I’m glad the supermajority rules are in place,” he said. “Without them, we would get far too many things done. C’mon, just having more than half the country want something should never be enough to actually do it. Am I right?”

A sub-analysis of the poll results also found a surprising number of idiots in Massachusetts.