Is cannibalism the answer? After all, the Bible does say "Eat thy neighbor." Probably. It's a long book.

In an era when eating organically, locally and chemical-free have become lasting trends, Andrew Glick of Carsonville, North Carolina, has found an elegant way to go about it: he eats people.

“I care about the environment, and I try to eat locally,” Glick says. “It just so happens that I live in an urban area where no livestock can be raised. I mean, what’s worse, flying in beef from Argentina or snacking on a few of my friends and neighbors? I think we can all agree on this.”

Glick has a point: Some estimates say that meat production accounts for more than 20 percent of all global greenhouse gas emissions.* This encompasses farty cows as well as other carbon costs like transport of the meat. Also, some scientists predict that the demand for super-tasty hybrid animals, like a pigow (from which filet mignon comes out prewrapped in bacon), could skyrocket in the coming decade and send carbon emissions even higher.** Eating people, meanwhile, not only helps cut down on meat production, but would fight the elephant in the room of climate change issues, population.

The question of who specifically people should eat, though, is a touchy one. “Oh, I’ve sampled a postal employee here, the guy who worked at the Gap for a while, I’m not too picky,” Glick says. He did add that he stays away from dry cleaners — “part of the point is to avoid chemicals!” — and a few other less-than-tasty individuals. “I tried some of a guy who worked at a Chinese Restaurant once, but I was hungry again half an hour later.”

When asked how he actually gets the people he eats, Glick seemed confused. “I get them from the fridge, of course.” But how did they get into the fridge? “Ha! Well they didn’t walk, did they?”

*Seriously! See? We don’t make up everything here! And we even link to terribly written Scientific American articles!
**Okay, so we make most things up. Whatever.

A coalition of several large environmental advocacy groups posted an open letter to the cows of the world asking them to hold in their flatulent methane emissions. Methane is a potent greenhouse gas, and cow farts contain a lot of it, thereby contributing heavily to global warming.

“We understand the world’s cattle often consider flatulence a complement to whoever planted the grass they’re eating, but we need everyone to join in the planetary effort to stave off rising temperatures and sea levels,” the letter said. “Seriously, just hold some of those suckers in, okay?”

Greenpeace, the Natural Resources Defense Council, the Environmental Defense Fund and the Sierra Club all signed the letter, as well as several smaller groups like Stop Cow Farts Now. When reached for a comment, the president of the Sierra Club said “We’re just asking for some decency, really. I mean, imagine standing in an elevator with five people. If four of them just kept ripping ass, the temperature in there would rise and everyone would fall out of the elevator on the 12th floor gasping for breath. It would suck.”

There are more than a billion cattle in the world, and in the United States alone the ruminants account for about 5.5 million metric tons of methane emitted each year. Methane is 23 times as potent a greenhouse gas as carbon dioxide, according to the open letter. “Cows of the world, we beg you,” it said. “You may think no one notices, but we do. Just stop farting.”