Official White House photo of Copenhagen negotiations in mid-failure.

Reactions to the last-minute Copenhagen Accord “signed” recently have ranged from dismissive to depressed to masturbatory. Here are some of those reactions, kinda.

President Obama: This was a historic agreement, in that it happened in history. The history of this past weekend will remember the Copenhagen Accord. Well, the history itself won’t remember it, because it’s more of an abstract idea than an actual thing that might be able to remember something. Where are my goddamn speech writers?

China President Hu Jintao: Everyone thinks we were fighting the transparency issue because we want to pretend to meet our emissions goals but completely fail to do so in reality. Totally untrue. We were actually fighting the transparency issue because we want to distract everyone from our continuing human rights violations. I think it worked.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown: The Copenhagen Accord is a joke! We need to seriously fight climate change! I appear to have found an issue on which I can safely say strong things that kind of distance me from the US and I won’t really get in trouble for it, and I’ll look super cool to all the environmentalists in the world! Woot!

Brazil President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva: How cool is my name? Seriously. Look at it. It’s getting you hot, I can tell. No, we don’t really want to stop cutting down rainforests, it’s kinda lucrative. Thanks though.

India Prime Minister Monmohan Singh: Do you know why we collectively failed to produce any solid emissions targets in Copenhagen? No? Me neither. Weird, right?

350.org Founder Bill McKibben: You’re all miserable failures. We’re all going to die in a rain of hellfire. The UN process is completely broken. I’m giving up and buying some property about ten miles inland in Bangladesh. It will be worth TONS in a decade or two.

Kenya President Mwai Kibaki: Our country is going to turn into a giant desert due to climate change-induced mega-droughts. This sucks. Give us $300 billion to fix this. We won’t spend it on improving hotels for white people on safari. As far as you know.

Inconvenient Truther Al Gore: Did anybody see my super awesome rap debate with that jackass Lord Monckton? I kinda kicked ass, right? Right?

South Africa President Jacob Zuma: The Copenhagen Accord was a big enough failure that the next huge international event will represent a chance for all to come together and repair our collective broken image. This event is the World Cup, which, coincidentally, takes place here in South Africa in June. You guys should totally come and buy lots of stuff while you’re here. What? No, the Olympics don’t count. Who the fuck cares about the Olympics?

“Okay, ‘Hopenhagen’ was cute, I suppose,” said China’s chief negotiator Yu Qingtai during the immediate aftermath of a press conference. “But ‘Copenhaven?’ What the fuck does that even mean?”

Hillary Rodham Clinton, after expressing admiration for his command of idiomatic English, said that he and other country’s represenatives “need to stop Copenhatin’.” It was at that point that the first punches were thrown, and the top negotiator from Australia was quickly arrested. Al Gore rushed to the podium and shouted “Everyone just SmokeAnEigthAn’ chill!” It appeared to work, but mostly because no one except the representatives from the Netherlands and Jamaica knew what he was talking about.

As negotiators from more than 50 countries issued angry statements and left the summit prematurely, the top trending topic on Twitter was “CopenFailin.” Soon after another 35 countries had departed the conveniently four-syllabled city. A release from the German delegation read “We’re CopenSailin’ outta here. Bangladesh can figure shit out on their own.”

The Bangladeshi representatives took offense at the suggestion, but didn’t appear to understand the general wordplay theme. “Well, that’s it,” said delegate Sabir Hassan Chowdhary. “We’re CopenFucked.”

With President Obama making his first visit to China this week, the top two emitters of greenhouse gases in the world have pledged to “definitely possibly plan on agreeing on a mostly binding emissions target in the days, weeks, months and years following the Copenhagen summit,” a spokesperson for the Chinese government said.

A number of other countries have also signed on to the agreement to agree on an agreement, maybe. Germany, a leader in wind power and other renewable energy projects, has committed to considering the possibility of joining a climate treaty that may or may not be written by 2014. Italy and France followed suit shortly after Germany’s announcement, with an Italian government spokesperson adding they hoped to set a timetable to plan on the next meeting “soonish.”

In his weekly web address, President Obama stressed the need to combat climate change before some of the more catastrophic effects are realized. “Achieving energy independence, reducing our reliance on fossil fuels and lowering our emissions of carbon dioxide and other gases are all inextricably linked. That is why I and other world leaders have come to a substantive agreement to discuss this issue again in the near future, with the eventual goal of possibly deciding on a course of action that might help. That decision will most likely come at a future summit, the planning of which we will set a date for when we meet in Copenhagen next month.”