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Seven Little People Laud Potential of Mountaintop Removal Mining

Nov 19, 2009 by Tree Humper

Broken News

dwarf_mountaintop_removalA small lobbying group comprised of seven descriptively named little people have started a campaign pushing back against the growing movement to end mountaintop removal coal mining. “This is such a good alternative to spending all day underground with pickaxes,” said the group’s spokesperson, Doc.

The group’s newly formed enterprise, Blow Up Mountains, or BUM, is angling to block legislation and executive moves that would halt the much-reviled practice of mountaintop removal mining. “If we had known that we could just blow the sucker up, we wouldn’t have been subjected to the noxious fumes underground, from which all of us developed a pulmonary disorder causing us to whistle non-stop,” Doc said. It is unclear exactly what type of doctorate the spokesperson has.

At a recent press conference, the BUM members were asked why “dwarves care about this issue,” at which point a little person named Grumpy threw a pickaxe into the crowd. After calming him down, Doc outlined many of the health effects of working underground, including narcolepsy, uncontrollable sneezing and descent into constant and inappropriate euphoria.

“Look at us!” Doc said. “We’ve had our growth stunted and been turned into freaks of nature because of primitive mining practices! Let us satisfy our lust for wealth with the help of some TNT!” A strange woman – of normal height but questionable intelligence – sat behind the BUM members throughout their press conference, eating an apparently endless stream of apples.

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