Treehumper

Some of the contraptions, techniques and technologies BP has been using to try and stop the oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico have ridiculous names. In fact, they sound a lot like terrible action movies.

So we at TreeHumper decided to play a little game: Can you differentiate which of the following terms are oil spill-related (or oil rig) and which ones are either a Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme movie? Good luck!

(And no cheating by looking at IMDB. All you’ll learn is that Van Damme’s very first acting credit was when he played a character called “Gay Karate Man.” Seriously. Also, I make no claims as to the below movie descriptions’ veracity. They’re probably terrible, so whatever.)

1. Glimmer Man

A. Van Damme movie where he plays someone who accidentally touched a futuristic cloaking device (“NO! The gamma-12 rays are too powerful!”) and now blinks in and out of existence while trying to save the world (and a hot chick with ’80s hair who provides an unexpected nude scene that OF COURSE also features Jean-Claude’s ass).

B. The oil rig worker responsible for monitoring pressure and gas flow into the well, named as such because of the “glimmer” of hope that he could actually alert people in time if a problem arises.

C. Seagal movie involving some Wayans brother or other that is probably supposed to be a buddy cop movie but ends up just being sad.

2. Dead Man’s Switch

A. A secondary safety device meant to shut off the flow of oil between the well and the rig if something bad happens.

B. Seagal movie where he almost gets killed about 17 times but the bad guys never bother to actually just shoot him in the face when he’s down, and he continually is able to revive and beat the shit out of people. Yes, I am aware this describes every Seagal movie. Doesn’t make it wrong, though.

C. Van Damme movie where he trades places with a dead guy whose body is being shipped into the heart of cartel country in Colombia so he can pop out of the coffin and wreak remarkably flexible havoc.

3. Top Kill

A. Van Damme movie where he plays a hired assassin with a heart of gold. He only kills high level and evil politicians around the world, but when he is hired to kill his former mentor in cool assassin skills (flashback montage!) Van Damme has some serious soul searching to do. The mentor has since become a vicious warlord — does Van Damme just kill him, turn down the assignment knowing someone else would do it, or try and reform his former friend?

B. Seagal movie where some evil guys stage a battle royale-style contest for evildoers, mixed with a scavenger hunt. The evil guys have a list of nemeses to assassinate, including do-gooder politicians, CIA agents who thwart their evil deeds, and the like. Seagal figures out the plan and stages his own killing spree, moving up the ladder of evil until he finally is face to face with King Evil Guy (played by… I dunno, Rutger Hauer? Sure) and can finally finish the… Top Kill!

C. Oil gusher plugging effort involving shooting tons and tons of mud into the well to try and plug the leak. This is what is known in the business as a “low-tech,” or “throwing shit at the wall and hoping something sticks” solution.

4. Fire Down Below

A. Van Damme movie where he dies, goes to hell, and can fight his way back against a series of demon-like villains. That’s kinda it. Oh, and the dude who played Chong Li in Bloodsport is one of them, just for kicks. In case you can’t guess, Van Damme beats the shit out of him again, only with his eyes open this time.

B. Strangely relevant Seagal movie about chemical industry jackasses destroying nature as well as Seagal’s friends. Appropriate Seagal revenge/retribution action ensues, nature is saved. Or something.

C. Oil gusher containment method involving a super-hot flame to actually burn the oil up as it leaves the well, 5,000 feet under water. Some chemical mixture or other is brought down there with a robotic submarine and set on fire, and the blaze is able to sustain because it burns at more than 5,000 degrees. This is a temporary fix while relief wells or whatever can be drilled.

5. Replicant

A. Oil rig safety device that diverts gas and oil flow away from the rig through a failsafe pipe in case of catastrophic failure down at the well. Didn’t work. Obviously.

B. Seagal movie where bad guys have created a weapon that not only kills you when it hits, but also remotely infects anyone you’re directly related to and kills them as well after a couple of days. Seagal’s wife’s brother gets hit, meaning he only has two days to get the bad guys and find an antidote. Hurry, Seagal!

C. Van Damme movie where scientists create a good guy clone of Van Damme’s serial killer character. The clone has to try and catch the killer. Hijinks galore!

6. Containment Dome

A. Van Damme movie involving a futuristic prison: all bad guys in 2017 (because movies NEVER go far enough in the future to make us unable to mock them later) are placed inside a giant dome that floats around the world’s oceans. Van Damme is sent there, falsely of course, and he has to fight his way through the hierarchy of bad dudes and find a way out of the dome.

B. Oil gusher solution involving lowering a giant metal structure over the top of the leak in order to reverse-funnel the oil up to the surface. Some badass methane got in the way.

C. Seagal movie where basically the exact same thing as the Van Damme movie happens, only the dome is in the New York Harbor and all the convicts are about to escape and overrun the city. Seagal prevents the apocalypse.

Well, we hope you enjoyed the quiz. I’m off to pitch some of the fake ideas above, because I can totally picture one of those guys making these. And if not Seagal or Van Damme, I think The Rock is available.

ANSWERS:

1. C  2. A.  3. C  4. B  5. C  6. B