“Tom G. Danvers, who works in BP’s Houston office — or should we say, used to work there — really screwed this up for everyone else,” the report’s executive summary stated. The report, which clocks in at 672 pages and goes into excruciating details on all the safety measures and potential causes of the lapse, found that only one person at BP, Transocean or Halliburton has any liability whatsoever.
“Really, everyone involved with drilling on the Deepwater Horizon rig performed admirably, right down to neglecting to run appropriate safety checks,” the report went on. “They couldn’t have been expected to act any differently, given that BP didn’t really require the checks, and the oversight from the US government was beyond minimal. Everything went exactly as it should have. Except for Tom. What a dick.”
Reached at his home outside of Houston, Danvers expressed shock that the blame for a disaster costing 11 lives and billions of dollars in cleanup and lost productivity appeared to come down entirely on him. “I just write copy for our green fuels initiatives web site!” he said. A BP spokesperson laughed when told of Danvers’ reaction, and said: “Not anymore he doesn’t!”