The Department of Energy withdrew its decades-old application to turn Yucca Mountain in Nevada into a permanent nuclear waste storage facility, but quickly replaced it with a new site: Big Thunder Mountain at Disneyland.
“Big Thunder Mountain has all the necessary characteristics to safely store spent nuclear fuel for millennia,” said Energy Secretary Steven Chu. “I mean, it has an old mining train already running through it! Do you know how many billions we spent on building a now-useless train through Yucca?”
At the announcement for the officially-titled Big Thunder Mountain Nuclear Goo Dumping Ground and Happy Place, Chu then introduced Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who revealed the other part of the site’s utility. “We are managing to combine solutions to two long-standing problems in this country: nuclear waste and the rising tide of obesity,” she said. “It is a proven scientific fact that only super fat people go to Disneyland, and having them ride through Big Thunder Mountain Nuclear Goo Dumping Ground and Happy Place will systematically start killing off a bunch of them. We will slowly lower our obesity rates at the same time as safely storing our nuclear waste for the foreseeable future.”
Environmental groups that had opposed the Yucca Mountain site hailed the move as well. A statement from the Sierra Club’s new executive director Michael Brune said “We love the idea of using Big Thunder Mountain as a nuclear waste repository. Disneyland is pretty much radioactive anyway. It’s just gross there.”