The government of the low-lying Netherlands posted an ad on Craigslist yesterday calling for applications for the job of putting a finger in the dike and keeping the country from flooding.
“The impending global warming disaster will raise sea levels by several feet, putting our entire nation at risk,” the ad stated. “As hilarious as this sounds, it is not a joke: we need someone to stick a finger in our dikes. Not dyke, dike. Okay? Just relax.”
The popular legend of a boy who saved his town by spending all night plugging up a leaking dike is the basis for this call to action, but a spokesperson for the Netherlands government said that the story was actually written by an American author and has no basis in reality. This will be a case of fact following fiction, and the Netherlands wants to be completely clear that fingering the dike holes is no laughing matter.
“Look, it’s not our fault they’re called dikes, okay? Well, we suppose you can make some lesbian jokes while you’re performing your crucial duties, but seriously, c’mon,” the ad went on. “We all die or are forced to move to Belgium or New Jersey if you can’t do this one simple job. So forget about violating girls who don’t even want your hands up in there anyway. You’re not fingerbanging a twat bandit, you’re saving the lives of millions.”
It concluded by stating that the Netherlands is an equal opportunity employer.