Treehumper

Is cannibalism the answer? After all, the Bible does say "Eat thy neighbor." Probably. It's a long book.

In an era when eating organically, locally and chemical-free have become lasting trends, Andrew Glick of Carsonville, North Carolina, has found an elegant way to go about it: he eats people.

“I care about the environment, and I try to eat locally,” Glick says. “It just so happens that I live in an urban area where no livestock can be raised. I mean, what’s worse, flying in beef from Argentina or snacking on a few of my friends and neighbors? I think we can all agree on this.”

Glick has a point: Some estimates say that meat production accounts for more than 20 percent of all global greenhouse gas emissions.* This encompasses farty cows as well as other carbon costs like transport of the meat. Also, some scientists predict that the demand for super-tasty hybrid animals, like a pigow (from which filet mignon comes out prewrapped in bacon), could skyrocket in the coming decade and send carbon emissions even higher.** Eating people, meanwhile, not only helps cut down on meat production, but would fight the elephant in the room of climate change issues, population.

The question of who specifically people should eat, though, is a touchy one. “Oh, I’ve sampled a postal employee here, the guy who worked at the Gap for a while, I’m not too picky,” Glick says. He did add that he stays away from dry cleaners — “part of the point is to avoid chemicals!” — and a few other less-than-tasty individuals. “I tried some of a guy who worked at a Chinese Restaurant once, but I was hungry again half an hour later.”

When asked how he actually gets the people he eats, Glick seemed confused. “I get them from the fridge, of course.” But how did they get into the fridge? “Ha! Well they didn’t walk, did they?”

*Seriously! See? We don’t make up everything here! And we even link to terribly written Scientific American articles!
**Okay, so we make most things up. Whatever.