Climate change deniers of the world rejoiced yesterday when Exxon-Mobil announced the discovery of a large deposit of denier fuel in Peru. The deposit, which preliminary estimates say could power the denial movement for at least another 15 years, lies underground about three hundred kilometers east of the Andean city of Cuzco.
Although the exact amounts of denier fuel left in the world have been disputed for years, most experts agree the dreaded “peak denial” point came early in 2003, when President Bush managed to distract everyone by blowing up a country. Climate change deniers have intermittently announced discoveries of new small deposits of denier fuel since then, but the Peruvian deposit is by far the largest addition to global reserves of denier fuel in more than two decades.
“To all those quacks, deliverers of misinformation, out there, this discovery shows that the so-called ‘consensus’ about climate change is complete crap,” said de facto denier chief Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK). “With this new source of fuel, we’ll keep fighting the good fight on this issue for years to come.”
The climate change mainstream, though, appeared devastated by this new infusion of fuel to the denier camp. “The denial movement is like Michael Freaking Myers,” wrote Climate Progress blogger Joe Romm. “You just can’t kill it.” A statement from the Environmental Defense Fund expressed “deep concern” that in order to get at the denier fuel, large-scale drilling operations will have to be started in protected areas of the Andes. The Peruvian government seemed willing to overlook the protections, with a spokesperson saying “it’s too valuable a resource to just leave in there. We’ve got plenty of mountains. Whatever.”
Denier fuel is the only known source of the strange controversy that has plagued climate science for decades. It is a carbon-based fossil fuel, but the precise mechanisms by which it allows various vocal deniers to make completely ridiculous arguments and stall the movement to avert catastrophic climate change remain poorly understood. The discovery of such a large amount of the substance will allow those mechanisms to continue unabated into the foreseeable future; for example, Sen. Inhofe had trouble finding enough fuel to take him to Copenhagen for the COP15 climate summit, but now his entire “Truth Squad” will have enough denier fuel to make it there and back for the second week, as well as enough to shout some unintelligible obscenities while there.
For his part, President Obama called the denier fuel deposit’s discovery “grim news,” and changed his plan for Copenhagen once again. After originally scheduling a visit for early in the summit (Dec. 9), the president’s planned attendance on Dec. 18 will now be via satellite hookup. The White House cited security concerns surrounding the large volume of highly combustible denier fuel in the vicinity of the president as reason for the switch.
Another sometime member of the denier camp, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, was reached for comment while on her multi-state book tour. “This is fantastic news, and just shows the ingenuity of the great denier community in this fine nation of ours.” When told that the deposit was in Peru, she said that Americans probably were the ones who told them where to look. “My only regret is that we haven’t discovered a similar bunch of denier fuel in my home state of Alaska. We’re always hoping for new things to drill for, dontcha know.”