Reactions to the last-minute Copenhagen Accord “signed” recently have ranged from dismissive to depressed to masturbatory. Here are some of those reactions, kinda.
President Obama: This was a historic agreement, in that it happened in history. The history of this past weekend will remember the Copenhagen Accord. Well, the history itself won’t remember it, because it’s more of an abstract idea than an actual thing that might be able to remember something. Where are my goddamn speech writers?
China President Hu Jintao: Everyone thinks we were fighting the transparency issue because we want to pretend to meet our emissions goals but completely fail to do so in reality. Totally untrue. We were actually fighting the transparency issue because we want to distract everyone from our continuing human rights violations. I think it worked.
UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown: The Copenhagen Accord is a joke! We need to seriously fight climate change! I appear to have found an issue on which I can safely say strong things that kind of distance me from the US and I won’t really get in trouble for it, and I’ll look super cool to all the environmentalists in the world! Woot!
Brazil President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva: How cool is my name? Seriously. Look at it. It’s getting you hot, I can tell. No, we don’t really want to stop cutting down rainforests, it’s kinda lucrative. Thanks though.
India Prime Minister Monmohan Singh: Do you know why we collectively failed to produce any solid emissions targets in Copenhagen? No? Me neither. Weird, right?
350.org Founder Bill McKibben: You’re all miserable failures. We’re all going to die in a rain of hellfire. The UN process is completely broken. I’m giving up and buying some property about ten miles inland in Bangladesh. It will be worth TONS in a decade or two.
Kenya President Mwai Kibaki: Our country is going to turn into a giant desert due to climate change-induced mega-droughts. This sucks. Give us $300 billion to fix this. We won’t spend it on improving hotels for white people on safari. As far as you know.
Inconvenient Truther Al Gore: Did anybody see my super awesome rap debate with that jackass Lord Monckton? I kinda kicked ass, right? Right?
South Africa President Jacob Zuma: The Copenhagen Accord was a big enough failure that the next huge international event will represent a chance for all to come together and repair our collective broken image. This event is the World Cup, which, coincidentally, takes place here in South Africa in June. You guys should totally come and buy lots of stuff while you’re here. What? No, the Olympics don’t count. Who the fuck cares about the Olympics?