Treehumper

Let your balls drop on some new earth-friendly practices!

So you’ve decided to go a bit greener in 2010. Good for you! But since you’re obviously a bit of a clueless bandwagon jumper, TreeHumper is here to provide some help on what you can do to help save the planet and put off our inevitable colonization of Mars.

Compost: Okay, take all of your organic waste — meaning, vegetables, batteries, broken glass, vomit-stained carpets, week-old bread and the like — and put it in your trashcan. Next, neglect to take out the trash for six weeks. Voila!

Turn down the heat or AC: You know what, just aim for 70 degrees in all seasons. There’s comfort at stake here.

Change your Twitter icon color to green: As a way of marking your support for the movement, also post bi-weekly tweets along the lines of “down with the Ayatollah!” or “freedom and equality for all!” This means you recycle and eat locally, when possible or remotely palatable.

Buy carbon offsets when you travel: Nah, just kidding. These things are stupid.

Take public transportation: Try taking the bus more often, at least until you’re subjected to a person in a wheelchair getting on. That takes for fucking ever.

Boycott Canada: Tar sands, UN-blocking antics, Celine Dion…. Honeymoon’s over, Canada. You suck too much.

Call your Senator and voice your support for cap-and-trade: Does anyone actually do this, in spite of all of those Obama Facebook posts? Seriously?

Watch An Incovenient Truth: And marvel at how out-of-date it already feels.

Throw a flaming bag of poop at Senator Inhofe: We at TreeHumper would never advocate any sort of physical act of violence against this terrible, terrible human being. But if he happens to get in the way of that flaming bag of poop that you will undoubtedly throw at some point, well, that was just an accident. Could happen to anyone, really.

Have an abortion: There is no greater threat to the environment than population, so if you really want to go green in 2010, keep the new mouths to feed to a minimum. The world will thank you. Well, not right-wing nutjobs, but you get the idea.

Happy New Year, everyone!