Citing aesthetics and some remaining uncertainty as to their effects on human health, God has decided to stop blowing on the world’s wind turbines.
Wind power has been touted as one of the key pieces of the renewable energy puzzle that will hopefully end the world’s reliance on dirty fossil fuels, but without the Almighty’s holy breath upon them the thousands of turbines already deployed will be no more than oversized lawn ornaments.
“Look, I’m all for renewable energy sources,” God told the Sacramento Bee. “Just not in my back yard, okay?”
When asked where else humanity could look to try and stop the emission of billions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere every year, God shrugged and mumbled something about wave power before turning his focus to a Presbyterian church in Vermont that appeared to be asking for his help.
God’s only son, Jesus Christ, could not be reached for comment about his father’s decision to turn off the wind faucet. Satan, however, quickly called a press conference outside his home in Gary, Indiana, and offered to reveal a few more large deposits of extremely dirty energy sources to replace the lost wind energy. “I’ve got this huge pile of crap up in Canada that you might be able to drag some power out of,” he said. When told that billions of dollars and many thousands of workers were already deployed to extract the tar sands from Alberta, the Devil said “Really? Man, who told you guys about that shit storm?”
It is unclear if God will maintain his no-wind position indefinitely. The archangel Gabriel assured a reporter with the AFP that God is “fickle” when it comes to how best to solve the global warming crisis, and that he guesses the wind turbines will be turning again shortly. For now, though, several world powers are considering taking Zeus up on his offer to send some controlled lightning bolts in order to power urban centers. Negotiations for payment—most likely in the form of Greek hookers—are ongoing.