“Tom G. Danvers, who works in BP’s Houston office — or should we say, used to work there — really screwed this up for everyone else,” the report’s executive summary stated. The report, which clocks in at 672 pages and goes into excruciating details on all the safety measures and potential causes of the lapse, found that only one person at BP, Transocean or Halliburton has any liability whatsoever.

“Really, everyone involved with drilling on the Deepwater Horizon rig performed admirably, right down to neglecting to run appropriate safety checks,” the report went on. “They couldn’t have been expected to act any differently, given that BP didn’t really require the checks, and the oversight from the US government was beyond minimal. Everything went exactly as it should have. Except for Tom. What a dick.”

Reached at his home outside of Houston, Danvers expressed shock that the blame for a disaster costing 11 lives and billions of dollars in cleanup and lost productivity appeared to come down entirely on him. “I just write copy for our green fuels initiatives web site!” he said. A BP spokesperson laughed when told of Danvers’ reaction, and said: “Not anymore he doesn’t!”

Meanwhile, John Shimkus (R-Ill.) added his two cents: “The uncertainty is just way too high. I mean, tell me what will happen on January 24. Right now. Go. You can’t. Will it snow? NOT IN CUBA, IT WON’T. See? You just don’t know. And if we don’t know what the climate is doing, then it doesn’t exist. Q.E.D.”

Shimkus is among several Republicans maneuvering to become chair of the House energy committee. He added that since we can’t predict exact wind conditions, wind power clearly doesn’t exist either.

But it was in the Senate that the most thorough denials were thrown about, with Kentucky Senator-elect Rand Paul echoing the sentiments on climate change strongly. “Climate doesn’t change. There is no climate. In fact, there is no change. Nothing changes. You know what’s the only thing that actually exists, other than maybe Jesus? The Constitution. It never changes, so it exists.” When told that there is in fact a method by which the Constitution changes, Paul responded “NOT ON MY WATCH.”

(Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, Comedy Central)

That's the country's president. Seriously.

The president of the low-lying island nation of the Maldives helped install solar panels on the roof of his official residence, but then apparently fled the country in the middle of the night. A panicked voice message left with the Associated Press from the president cited the fact that as a country, “the Maldives are totally fucked.”

A day later, the president sent an email from an undisclosed location with a calmer explanation for the timing of his expatriation: “We have some kick-ass tax credits for installing solar panels on rooftops,” he wrote. “So I decided I would cash that in before getting the fuck out of Dodge.”

The Maldives are among the most at-risk nations in the world as the oceans continue their rise due to climate change. Earlier this year the country reportedly ordered a “shit-ton” of sandbags apparently aimed at fortifying their shorelines. With close to 1,200 islands, though, it remains unclear if the shit-ton will be enough. The president, in his email, guessed that he would be only the first of many prominent citizens to leave the country “before we’re all breathing salt water. Seriously guys, get out of that place while you can.”

If you even think for a second about putting a wind farm near my house, I will come to your home while you sleep and beat you to death with your own ornamental stairway railing. I’m not arguing with you about how important wind power is; I just don’t ever want to see one of them within 275 miles of my home. I live in peaceful, quiet country, where neighbors treat each other with respect, where our 6,000 square-foot houses need room to breath, and where the rolling hillsides should not be interrupted by giant white monstrosities whipping their blades around at 1,000 miles per hour. So don’t even fucking consider it.

And I haven’t even addressed my summer home at Cape May. I mean, I’m honestly getting choked with rage right now as I consider the possibility that you might soil my view of the sublime, endless ocean with two-inch high turbines 15 miles out to sea. If I so much as sniff a plan for an offshore wind farm within a week’s yacht ride of that house, you and all your commie, crunchy friends will be hunted down and slaughtered, one by one.

Look, take a lesson from the oil companies: they never tried to foist their energy infrastructure on we well-meaning, humble and hard-working denizens of the country’s top tax bracket. Are there pipelines that could burst into flame near my summer home? Are there giant oil tanks in these pleasant rolling hills around my house? No. You know where they are? Near poor people, of course. So please, renewable energy mavens: keep your turbines where they belong, or I will feed your face into a high-powered ceiling fan.

There are plenty of ideas out there, like… you know what? Screw it. We as a species can’t handle this sort of deferred gratification, so why bother trying? I mean, whenever I read about those experiments with three-year-olds turning down the prospect of two cookies in fifteen minutes in order to eat one now, I immediately side with the kid. Who knows what will happen in 15 minutes? I might be hit by a bus in five. You just can’t tell. Give me the fucking cookie.

Similarly, who cares if the planet as we know it will disappear within the next decade or two, killing off countless innocent species and creating a global flow of refugees that will utterly destroy economies and create an even bigger divide between the haves and have-nots. Are there any climate refugees NOW? (Shut up, small town in Alaska. I don’t care about you.) Have sea levels risen and swallowed Bangladesh YET? No? Then yeah, we don’t need legislation or any other plan.

And you know what else? If China isn’t going to enact some strong climate rules, then why should we here in the US? They’ve got, like, 100 times as many people as we do, which totally means they emit 100 times as much carbon dioxide and junk. If waiting for them to act first means destroying the world and possibly turning our planet into another Venus within a few hundred years, then so be it. We had a good run, and we can all blame China as the temperature rises to 800 degrees.

So I’m done mourning the climate bill. This will probably all work itself out anyway. I hear Greenpeace is taking care of it.

“It’s been a long, hard battle,” the environment said. “But this oil spill… man, that was just a masterstroke. I’ll give it to humanity: you guys sure know how to fight dirty.”

The move was met with joy in the coal, oil and gas industries. One spokesperson for Chevron said “Finally, that’s over! So, we’re good to go on the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, right? That’s on the table now?”

The environment said the oil spill in the Gulf was the felling blow, but cited a litany of other protracted battles that had taken too much of a toll for it to continue. “Global warming, deforestation, mass dolphin hunts in Japan… I mean, hydraulic fracturing! Where do you come up with these things?”

Environmental protection groups expressed their regret that their primary concern is packing it in. Mass layoffs happened quickly at the Sierra Club, NRDC and Environmental Defense Fund. President Obama signed an executive order renaming the Environmental Protection Agency the Commission to Plan the Funeral for the Environment.

The environment was congratulatory at the close of the press conference, saying that it had never come up against such an ingenious opponent.

“And now, I’ll just go away quietly. You can do what you want now; well, you already did that, but I won’t complain anymore.”