Treehumper

A coalition of several large environmental advocacy groups posted an open letter to the cows of the world asking them to hold in their flatulent methane emissions. Methane is a potent greenhouse gas, and cow farts contain a lot of it, thereby contributing heavily to global warming.

“We understand the world’s cattle often consider flatulence a complement to whoever planted the grass they’re eating, but we need everyone to join in the planetary effort to stave off rising temperatures and sea levels,” the letter said. “Seriously, just hold some of those suckers in, okay?”

Greenpeace, the Natural Resources Defense Council, the Environmental Defense Fund and the Sierra Club all signed the letter, as well as several smaller groups like Stop Cow Farts Now. When reached for a comment, the president of the Sierra Club said “We’re just asking for some decency, really. I mean, imagine standing in an elevator with five people. If four of them just kept ripping ass, the temperature in there would rise and everyone would fall out of the elevator on the 12th floor gasping for breath. It would suck.”

There are more than a billion cattle in the world, and in the United States alone the ruminants account for about 5.5 million metric tons of methane emitted each year. Methane is 23 times as potent a greenhouse gas as carbon dioxide, according to the open letter. “Cows of the world, we beg you,” it said. “You may think no one notices, but we do. Just stop farting.”