Treehumper

New analysis shows Pachauri not actually a giant ball with a face.

Not so long ago, the TreeHumper investigative team did some in-depth reporting on the ClimateFence scandal. One of our revelations was that the chair of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Rajendra Pachauri is actually “one half of a set of anthropomorphized testicles.” Like any good journalist or human being, we can man up to it and say: We were wrong.

Look, the guy’s been through a lot recently. The IPCC has been knocked around so often in the last few months it’s starting to look like Tiger Woods on the wrong end of Elin’s 9-iron. There were the hacked emails, there was a general failure of the UN process in Copenhagen, and then the issues surrounding the on again-off again melting of the Himalayan glaciers. And that’s before we get to Pachauri’s personal issues.

He has been accused of having conflicts of interest because of consulting fees paid out by companies like Toyota, and there have been repeated calls for his resignation. But come on — he published a novel called Return to Almora that is apparently just filled to the brim with crappily written sex. In fact, the main character (an engineer/environmentalist in his 60s—CLEARLY no relation to Pachauri himself) loses his virginity with such bosom-heaving description as when he was “overcome by a lust that he had never known before.” Awesome.

Here’s where the TreeHumper investigators made our mistake: we mistook the fact that he LOVES his testicles with the idea that he IS a testicle. It could happen to anybody, really. So we want to throw our support behind the IPCC chair; lord knows he needs it from SOMEone. We would like to see him stick around for the IPCC’s Fifth Assessment Report, which will take a look at all the updated science on global warming and hopefully not fuck up anything too drastically. Watch your decimal places, boys.

So, Rajendra: We’re sorry we called you a testicle. You’re not. Just keep doing what you’re doing, stay strong, balls out.