Imagine that there was a day—let’s say, August 12, because why the hell not—when for some unknown reason everyone fought fires on their own, with no help from firefighters. On that day each year, firefighters became completely useless. Redundant. Forgotten.
Today is that day at TreeHumper’s worldwide headquarters in [redacted due to terrorist threat concerns]. All you April Fools Day bloggers and writers and internet meme-ers, you are making us feel sad. And for some reason the environmental realm seems to have an inordinate number of merry pranksters. Audubon is having a field day, and if you don’t think those new EPA mountaintop removal regulations are a joke then you’re as naive as you are ugly. Whoops, sorry, told you we’re having a cranky day over here.
Seriously, just lay off and let us do our job, okay? We work really long hours trying to come up with fake news and really deep insightful fake analysis of that fake news, which we then fake pray will be fake retweeted by the people we know are actually just fake robots someone programmed into our computers’ memory. Why would those robots even bother retweeting us today? There’s a thousand fake stories to send out into the ether as a strange and exhibitionist means of illustrating the types of links that make YOU who YOU are. Or whatever.
I’m sorry. We started drinking early today, just to ward off the heart-wrenching sadness involved with watching the internet explode in 24 hours of gleeful fakery. You have to understand. It’s how doctors would feel if one day everyone converted to Christian Science and started treating their own scabies and pancreatic cancer.
So please, try and remember whose jobs you’re usurping today as you write your carefree bullshit and hurl it off into the Giant Dumptruck of Tubes. Usually, we love you. Today, we hate your fucking faces. Now we’re going to go start a fire and put it out ourselves. August 12 is too far away to wait.