The horrifying images of oil washing ashore along the Gulf Coast really got to me, and I hurried down to volunteer in the cleanup process. When I arrived, I saw thousands of people pitching in as best they can, in an inspiring display of human goodness. I joined in wholeheartedly, and it has been saddening and rewarding all at once; but let me tell you, I am about to ready to drop this fucking pelican and get right back in my car if it won’t sit still and shut up for a few minutes.
Have you ever tried to clean an oily bird? You would think that it would be appreciative, given that it doesn’t have opposable thumbs or access to these nifty oil brushes and washers they let us use down here. Well, you would think wrong. These assholes just want to get away from you, in spite of all your best intentions. They can’t stop squawking and trying to eat various digits, even though they’re dripping BP’s profit margins from every feather.
I’ve tried to reason with them. Please Mr. Gannet, I swear, I am only trying to help. You will feel better without Venezuela’s principal export covering your entire body. But they don’t listen. That gannet pecked my arm so deep I needed stitches. And his fucking beak was covered in oil so it burned like hell and they had to clean the wound incredibly thoroughly before even beginning to stitching process. All that just because I love nature so much.
And don’t even get me started on the turtles. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR SHELL, JACKASS, I NEED TO CLEAN THE OIL FROM YOUR EYEBALLS. Nope. I’m just going to chill in here, away from the only being in the universe currently trying to save my life.
This oil spill is a tragedy of epic proportions, but usually tragedy brings everyone together. I shudder to think what this pelican I’m trying to clean would be like if I met him under normal circumstances. I mean, if he’s this much of a dick when I’m attempting to remove hydrocarbons from his bulbous neck pouch thing, I can’t imagine I’d get the time of day if I just stopped by to say hello some time. Take note, pelican: your manners suck. Next time you land in some oily water, be prepared to tone it down a notch when the help arrives.