Treehumper

In a tearful press conference on Thursday, the environment said it would finally have to concede defeat at the hands of humanity.

“It’s been a long, hard battle,” the environment said. “But this oil spill… man, that was just a masterstroke. I’ll give it to humanity: you guys sure know how to fight dirty.”

The move was met with joy in the coal, oil and gas industries. One spokesperson for Chevron said “Finally, that’s over! So, we’re good to go on the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, right? That’s on the table now?”

The environment said the oil spill in the Gulf was the felling blow, but cited a litany of other protracted battles that had taken too much of a toll for it to continue. “Global warming, deforestation, mass dolphin hunts in Japan… I mean, hydraulic fracturing! Where do you come up with these things?”

Environmental protection groups expressed their regret that their primary concern is packing it in. Mass layoffs happened quickly at the Sierra Club, NRDC and Environmental Defense Fund. President Obama signed an executive order renaming the Environmental Protection Agency the Commission to Plan the Funeral for the Environment.

The environment was congratulatory at the close of the press conference, saying that it had never come up against such an ingenious opponent.

“And now, I’ll just go away quietly. You can do what you want now; well, you already did that, but I won’t complain anymore.”