“Tom G. Danvers, who works in BP’s Houston office — or should we say, used to work there — really screwed this up for everyone else,” the report’s executive summary stated. The report, which clocks in at 672 pages and goes into excruciating details on all the safety measures and potential causes of the lapse, found that only one person at BP, Transocean or Halliburton has any liability whatsoever.

“Really, everyone involved with drilling on the Deepwater Horizon rig performed admirably, right down to neglecting to run appropriate safety checks,” the report went on. “They couldn’t have been expected to act any differently, given that BP didn’t really require the checks, and the oversight from the US government was beyond minimal. Everything went exactly as it should have. Except for Tom. What a dick.”

Reached at his home outside of Houston, Danvers expressed shock that the blame for a disaster costing 11 lives and billions of dollars in cleanup and lost productivity appeared to come down entirely on him. “I just write copy for our green fuels initiatives web site!” he said. A BP spokesperson laughed when told of Danvers’ reaction, and said: “Not anymore he doesn’t!”

Meanwhile, John Shimkus (R-Ill.) added his two cents: “The uncertainty is just way too high. I mean, tell me what will happen on January 24. Right now. Go. You can’t. Will it snow? NOT IN CUBA, IT WON’T. See? You just don’t know. And if we don’t know what the climate is doing, then it doesn’t exist. Q.E.D.”

Shimkus is among several Republicans maneuvering to become chair of the House energy committee. He added that since we can’t predict exact wind conditions, wind power clearly doesn’t exist either.

But it was in the Senate that the most thorough denials were thrown about, with Kentucky Senator-elect Rand Paul echoing the sentiments on climate change strongly. “Climate doesn’t change. There is no climate. In fact, there is no change. Nothing changes. You know what’s the only thing that actually exists, other than maybe Jesus? The Constitution. It never changes, so it exists.” When told that there is in fact a method by which the Constitution changes, Paul responded “NOT ON MY WATCH.”

That's the country's president. Seriously.

The president of the low-lying island nation of the Maldives helped install solar panels on the roof of his official residence, but then apparently fled the country in the middle of the night. A panicked voice message left with the Associated Press from the president cited the fact that as a country, “the Maldives are totally fucked.”

A day later, the president sent an email from an undisclosed location with a calmer explanation for the timing of his expatriation: “We have some kick-ass tax credits for installing solar panels on rooftops,” he wrote. “So I decided I would cash that in before getting the fuck out of Dodge.”

The Maldives are among the most at-risk nations in the world as the oceans continue their rise due to climate change. Earlier this year the country reportedly ordered a “shit-ton” of sandbags apparently aimed at fortifying their shorelines. With close to 1,200 islands, though, it remains unclear if the shit-ton will be enough. The president, in his email, guessed that he would be only the first of many prominent citizens to leave the country “before we’re all breathing salt water. Seriously guys, get out of that place while you can.”

“It’s been a long, hard battle,” the environment said. “But this oil spill… man, that was just a masterstroke. I’ll give it to humanity: you guys sure know how to fight dirty.”

The move was met with joy in the coal, oil and gas industries. One spokesperson for Chevron said “Finally, that’s over! So, we’re good to go on the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, right? That’s on the table now?”

The environment said the oil spill in the Gulf was the felling blow, but cited a litany of other protracted battles that had taken too much of a toll for it to continue. “Global warming, deforestation, mass dolphin hunts in Japan… I mean, hydraulic fracturing! Where do you come up with these things?”

Environmental protection groups expressed their regret that their primary concern is packing it in. Mass layoffs happened quickly at the Sierra Club, NRDC and Environmental Defense Fund. President Obama signed an executive order renaming the Environmental Protection Agency the Commission to Plan the Funeral for the Environment.

The environment was congratulatory at the close of the press conference, saying that it had never come up against such an ingenious opponent.

“And now, I’ll just go away quietly. You can do what you want now; well, you already did that, but I won’t complain anymore.”

Krill are the small shrimp-like animals on which many whiles including blues and humpbacks feed. An incredibly important part of the ocean food chain, the Baleen Whale Legal Defense and Education Fund (slogan: “We Can Watch Ourselves, Thanks Very Much”) is starting a push to protect krill—until they can eat them, of course—and fight climate change, which could harm the krill habitat and food supply.

They acknowledged the campaign slogan’s relation to the ridiculous series of puns and rallying cries stemming from the original “drill baby drill.”

“The oil spill in the gulf brings to light the dangers the world’s oceans face from dependence on fossil fuels,” said the BWLDEF in a press release. “We whales really like krill. Stop killing them and junk. Krill baby krill!”

The BWLDEF was unavailable to comment for this article, because they are whales, live in the ocean, and can’t talk.

“Come on, do I look 40?” Earth Day said, sporting a haircut that inspired whispers of a midlife crisis. Earth Day  was—reportedly—started in 1970 by Wisconsin Senator Gaylord (heh) Nelson. This year, celebrations have been planned around the world for its 40th year, but Earth Day dismissed the idea as unnecessary and “simply the wrong year!”

World Environment Day, which has engaged in an understated but bitter rivalry with Earth Day since the late 1980s, laughed at Earth Day’s denial of the 40-year mark. “Come on,” it said. “I’m 38, and I know full well that I didn’t exist when Earth Day got going. So how can that slut claim to be 36? Does it think we’re retarded?”

When told of the comment, Earth Day said that no, it does not think we’re retarded. It offered no alternative explanation for the confusion, though. The 40th birthday celebrations are apparently moving forward in spite of Earth Day’s objections. According to an anonymous aide, Earth Day will undergo significant Botox procedures before the 22nd in an effort to “put its best face forward.”

These guys thinks it will help to pass a climate bill. These guys call those guys assholes and say the exact opposite. Reuters says we’ll have to wait to see if health care reform is successful until we know how it will affect the rest of the president’s agenda; of course, much of the bill doesn’t take effect until 2018 or something, so uh, thanks Reuters.

Some other newspaper points out that there are other things to deal with too, so climate might have to wait. Politico says something about poisoning a well, so can someone call the cops and make sure to watch them for a few days, maybe? Thanks.

Also, a recent compromise on offshore drilling that appears to have found its way into an upcoming draft of a climate bill has “frightened” some environmental groups. But further investigation revealed the frightened ones to be the Audubon Society and the Rainforest Alliance, and everyone knows those guys are pussies anyway. I think it dates back to when the Environmental Defense Fund sexually assaulted both of them at a particularly rowdy party somewhere near Dupont Circle.

Clearly, no one really has any idea what will happen with climate and energy legislation. But health care passed, and every news outlet in the country is required to try and connect it to the other thing that people think Congress should do. But we resist, and report fearlessly that yes, the passage of health care doesn’t mean shit for the climate bill.

“Big Thunder Mountain has all the necessary characteristics to safely store spent nuclear fuel for millennia,” said Energy Secretary Steven Chu. “I mean, it has an old mining train already running through it! Do you know how many billions we spent on building a now-useless train through Yucca?”

At the announcement for the officially-titled Big Thunder Mountain Nuclear Goo Dumping Ground and Happy Place, Chu then introduced Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who revealed the other part of the site’s utility. “We are managing to combine solutions to two long-standing problems in this country: nuclear waste and the rising tide of obesity,” she said. “It is a proven scientific fact that only super fat people go to Disneyland, and having them ride through Big Thunder Mountain Nuclear Goo Dumping Ground and Happy Place will systematically start killing off a bunch of them. We will slowly lower our obesity rates at the same time as safely storing our nuclear waste for the foreseeable future.”

Environmental groups that had opposed the Yucca Mountain site hailed the move as well. A statement from the Sierra Club’s new executive director Michael Brune said “We love the idea of using Big Thunder Mountain as a nuclear waste repository. Disneyland is pretty much radioactive anyway. It’s just gross there.”

Good luck with that, Maldives.

An international purchase agreement revealed yesterday that the low-lying island nation of the Maldives has ordered an extremely large number of sandbags from multiple companies in the United States and Europe. A representative of the Maldives government responded to an e-mail question of what the bags are for as follows: “We are expecting a bit of flooding.”

Although it was not immediately clear precisely how many sandbags were ordered due to the complicated nature of the agreement and the number of companies involved, a representative of one such company in Texas said they alone had an order from the Maldives for a “shit-ton” of sandbags. It is unclear if that is an English shit-ton or a metric shit-ton, also spelled shytte-tonne.

With an average elevation of only six feet above sea level, the Maldives could be thinking of holding back rising sea levels on a nationwide scale. The country has 1,192 islands, so analysts say the sandbag idea is completely feasible.

A call placed to the government of Vanuatu, another low-lying island nation that could be threatened by sea level rise in the coming decades, revealed that the Maldives’ approach may be novel. “Wait, would that work?” said the Vanuatu representative before quickly hanging up.

Several months ago the Maldives held a parliament meeting under water in SCUBA gear to call attention to the country’s plight. The country’s vice president, Mohammad Waheed Hassan, said that the underwater meeting “sucked,” and he would rather “just sandbag the crap out of this place” than do that again.

In an effort to match President Obama’s show of bipartisanship when he spoke to and fielded questions from Republican House leaders on Friday, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R—Ken.) took a symbolic and apparently fatal approach.

“The President has put on a big show of going into a so-called ‘lions’ den’ in order to simply speak with some Republicans,” the senator said from the grounds of the Louisville Zoo in his home state. “Well, I’ll do him one better, because our party is firmly committed to doing right by the American people. I’ll go into a real lions’ den.”

With that, Sen. McConnell scaled the fence, threw a ladder toward the other side of the protective moat, and clambered his way into the lions’ area. He walked airily around the enclosure, but after stepping behind a stand of trees screams were soon heard. McConnell is now presumed eaten.

When reached for comment, the other Republican Kentucky senator Jim Bunning said he had encouraged McConnell’s act of courage but admitted it may have been shortsighted. “It was a great act by a great man,” Bunning said. “But I suppose we should have asked the zookeepers if those lions had been fed recently or something.”

Kentucky’s governor will appoint an interim senator until a time when an election can be held. Bunning dismissed the potential for an unexpected swing in parties like what recently happened in the Massachusetts election to replace Senator Kennedy. “C’mon, this is Kentucky,” he said. “Most people here don’t even know the word ‘Democrat.’”