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Oil Spill Commission Report: Everyone Did Great Except for Tom in Marketing

14. January 2011

6 Comments

Oil Spill Commission Report: Everyone Did Great Except for Tom in Marketing

According to a new report from the National Oil Spill Commission looking into the causes of the Gulf disaster, everyone involved did a super job except for one jackass in the BP marketing department.

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New Congressional Leaders Deny Climate Change, as well as Climate, Change

11. November 2010

36 Comments

New Congressional Leaders Deny Climate Change, as well as Climate, Change

In an apparent game of one-upmanship, Republican members of Congress continue to doubt the existence of human-caused climate change. But they haven't stopped there.

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Maldives President Installs Own Solar Panels, Skips Town

11. October 2010

17 Comments

Maldives President Installs Own Solar Panels, Skips Town

The president of the low-lying island nation of the Maldives helped install solar panels on the roof of his official residence, but then apparently fled the country in the middle of the night. A panicked voice message left with the Associated Press from the president cited the fact that as a country, "the Maldives are totally fucked."

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Citing Oil Spill as Deciding Blow, Environment Concedes Defeat

24. June 2010

11 Comments

Citing Oil Spill as Deciding Blow, Environment Concedes Defeat

In a tearful press conference on Thursday, the environment said it would finally have to concede defeat at the hands of humanity.

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Whales of the World Launch “Krill Baby Krill” Campaign

10. May 2010

13 Comments

Whales of the World Launch “Krill Baby Krill” Campaign

In an apparent effort to jump on the oil spill pun bandwagon, a coalition of the world's baleen whales has launched a lobbying and advertising campaign sporting the slogan "Krill Baby Krill!"

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Earth Day Swears It’s Turning “A Young 36″

5. April 2010

20 Comments

Earth Day Swears It’s Turning “A Young 36″

In spite of widespread publicity on Earth Day's impending 40th birthday, the worldwide celebration of all things environmentally friendly insisted it is only turning 36 years old on April 22.

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Breaking: Passage of Health Care Reform Doesn’t Mean Shit for Climate Bill

22. March 2010

4 Comments

Breaking: Passage of Health Care Reform Doesn’t Mean Shit for Climate Bill

In a historic vote on Sunday, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a sweeping reform of the health care system in this country. Almost immediately, pundits began hypothesizing on the effect that this progressive success will have on another of President Obama's goals, a comprehensive climate and energy bill. The consensus is that no one has any fucking idea.

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Nuclear Waste to be Stored at Disney’s Big Thunder Mountain

17. March 2010

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Nuclear Waste to be Stored at Disney’s Big Thunder Mountain

The Department of Energy withdrew its decades-old application to turn Yucca Mountain in Nevada into a permanent nuclear waste storage facility, but quickly replaced it with a new site: Big Thunder Mountain at Disneyland.

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Maldives Orders a “Shit-Ton” of Sandbags

22. February 2010

9 Comments

Maldives Orders a “Shit-Ton” of Sandbags

An international purchase agreement revealed yesterday that the low-lying island nation of the Maldives has ordered an extremely large number of sandbags from multiple companies in the United States and Europe. A representative of the Maldives government responded to an e-mail question of what the bags are for as follows: "We are expecting a bit of flooding."

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Senator McConnell Goes Into Real Lions’ Den, Doesn’t Come Out

30. January 2010

5 Comments

Senator McConnell Goes Into Real Lions’ Den, Doesn’t Come Out

In an effort to match President Obama's show of bipartisanship when he spoke to and fielded questions from Republican House leaders on Friday, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R—Ken.) took a symbolic and apparently fatal approach.

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