The latest hiccup in a decade-long battle over the Cape Wind project comes from the Mashpee Wampanoag nation, who claim that the 130 turbines that would be built in Nantucket Sound would hinder their ancient tradition of greeting the sunrise while lying naked on piles of casino profits.
“Our ancient traditions are being threatened by the Cape Wind proposal,” said Wampanoag spokesperson Simon Culver. “It has been our right since the dawn of time to provide acres of slot machines along with low-limit table games, solid nightly entertainment and a delicious all-you-can eat casino buffet for only $12.95. By building these unsightly turbines only a few miles offshore, we can no longer greet the glorious sunrise from the tops of our money mountains. This is unacceptable.”
The Mashpee Wampanoag do not actually run a casino at this juncture. After formal recognition of their tribal status by the government in 2007, though, they have started the legal processes that will eventually lead to the non-existent Cape Wind turbines somehow being in the way of their ritual greeting of the sun. One tribe member who wished to remain anonymous said that he prefers things to be in the way of the sun anyway. “There’s enough alcoholism here that keeping the sun out of our eyes in the morning should be the greatest thing to ever happen to us. Other than that poker room they’re going to build. That will be sweet.”
Cape Wind proponents say the offshore wind turbines will be capable of providing about 75 percent of Cape Cod’s electricity demands, with basically zero greenhouse gas emissions. The project has been beset by problems from the beginning, though, with powerful enemies including the Kennedy family. The project seemed finally headed for approval, though, until the Mashpee and Aquinnah Wampanoags filed their complaint involving their spiritual traditions.
“There are better ways to take on the challenges presented by oil dependence and global warming than Cape Wind,” said Culver, the Mashpee spokesperson. “And don’t forget: as soon as we get this casino built, we’ve got Ray Romano booked for two straight weeks of stand-up. Stay at the hotel and get discounted tickets!”