In case you haven’t been keeping up on BP’s antics, here’s a video recap of their efforts to stop the spill.

You can haz my rath heethan librall! ... Ooops.

Sen. Inhofe has been on most environmentalists short lists for receiving the wrath of God, but as we all know God hates liberals so those prayers have gone unanswered.  In an ironic turn of events, it turns out all it took was one molasses mouthed teabagger’s misinterpreted prayers to off Inhofe (God’s right hand man). See the video below.

Click here to view the embedded video.

God could not be reached for comment, but his office put out an official statement: “DOH!”

In case you are having trouble understanding this tormented patriots words on the video, here’s what he’s saying:

“Our small teabag group here in [INAUDIBLE*] We got our vigil together and took Dr. Coburn’s instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn’t show up at the vote the other night… I see one of our members was missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? [TEARFUL] And one of our members died?  How hard did you pray senator? Did you pray hard enough?”

*No idea where he said he was from but he probably said Berkley, Cambridge or San Fran

In the much anticipated speech on Wednesday night President Obama finally quelled the death panel fears when he announced that the health care bill’s death panels would be made of all reclaimed, chemical free wood.  The bill’s tree humping supporters have supported the death panels from the beginning but feared that, through the channels of compromise, they would end up being made from arsnic treated virgin forest wood or some kind of cheesy veneer panneling.

Not everyone was convinced by Obama’s pledge to make the panels environmentally friendly.  Letting his passion for environmentalism get the better of him, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson shouted out “You lie!” when Obama made the claim.  Since the speech, Wilson has been showered with praise from both the left and the right for his thoughtful yet susinct contribution to the political discourse.

Wilson’s claim was confirmed in Thursday’s press conference, when Robert Gibbs conceeded that the wood for the death panels would be “reclaimed” from the Amazon Rainforest, claiming that they aren’t really using it anyway.

Inspiration: Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me

Eco-friendly GreenFreeze refrigerators have been protecting the ozone for 15 years by replacing those evil CFCs and HFCs with ozone friendly butane and propane. Now they are taking green a step further and serving a dual purpose of cooling and cooking.

Of the hundreds of millions of GreenFreeze fridges out there only a small fraction actually have this dual function feature. If you are lucky to have one of these special editions you may go to bed one night with a frozen turkey in the fridge and wake up to a freshly cooked thanksgiving dinner plastered all over your wall. The special edition fridges work by leaking its combustible coolant into the food compartment, which is then ignited by the spark of the compressor turning on or off. This function lends well to breakfast as gas tends to dissipate as the fridge door is opened and closed during the day, however, as you sleep at night the gasses build up nicely.

The fridge will actually wake you up when your food is done, usually by the sound of a loud explosion but in some case by blowing a hole in your bedroom wall. The fridge also has the potential to help a household reduce overall consumption particularly if you have a midnight snacker in your family. If that early morning eater happens to wander into the kitchen at the same time that the GreenFreeze fridge decides to spontaneously cook a meal they will likely find themselves dispatched to a better place turning your family of four into a family of three reducing the amount you’ll likely consume!

They haven’t worked all the kinks out yet, so I’m not ready to call them “Green.”  One problem is they are only good for cooking one meal after which you have to buy a new fridge and likely a new kitchen. Plus they have not yet quantified the amount of CO2 that is released into the atmosphere when the GreenFreeze burns a house down. Until they address these issues I am not going to be completely sold on this but we can still admire their eco innovation.

Source: The Daily Mail

What a great green idea: waterboarding chickens with boiling water.  Ronald is really doing more with less.  By waterboarding the chickens with boiling water they are washing, cooking and toturing the animals all in one step!  This saves time, money, energy and water plus it’s a great way to keep the meat moist.  I suspect they could go even further and reuse the water to make their sodas.

Mack Johnny, CEO of Hole Foods, complained that private grocers will not be able to compete against a public produce option.  He feels that his stores are going to be particularly harmed:

“The college educated, self-righteous, 30-somthing elitists are our market, and the White House is clearly looking to take advantage of this demographics’ unhealthy obsession with the president to push their White House CSA.” He went on to add, “Oh, wait, I forgot to explain that by CSA I mean Communist Supported Agriculture not Community Supported Agriculture.  Make sure you put that in there, it’s pretty witty and it’s a good way to color this administration as a bunch of commies without coming out and saying it.  Hey, that would actually make a great title, dont you think?  Are you still recording this?”

Obama assured his critics that the White House farmers market will not have an unfair advantage and will not steal business away from the private businesses.  “There are over 50 million people in America that don’t have access to vegetables and the White House farmers market will feed them all.” When asked how the relatively small garden would feed 50 million people Obama responded that those numbers would be feasible with a combination of improving efficiency and magic.

His critics on the far right were not buying the charm.  Fair and balanced “journalist” Lenny Peck pointed out that the Nazis grew vegetables and drew parallels to Obama and his administration:

“I’m not saying that Obama is a Nazi, I’m just saying that he’s a white supremacist fascist dictator that was born in Nazi Germany and was personally responsible for the holocaust and isn’t done yet because he is going to kill your grandmother with his Nazi vegetables…  Just sayin’.”

"they are a little scratchy"

Fullerton, CA – After a five year battle with Greenpeace, paper products company Kimberly-Clark had agreed to stop chopping down the ancient Boreal forest to make their Kleenex brand tissues.  In order to eliminate further deforestation on their part, Kimberly-Clark has replaced the paper tissues with fluffy kittens.

The new product line has be very well received by consumer, only a few complaining that the new tissues are a little scratchy.

Wipe your nose on these!

Unfortunately Kleenex, you can’t make everyone happy and they are now under fire from PETA.  Inspired by Greenpeaces Kleercut campaign PETA has launched a “Kleercat” campaign, diluting the pun even further (we recommended KittenHumper.com but apparently Glenn Beck already has that domain).

At a launch event scantily clad PETA representatives encouraged sniffly nosed passers by to save a kitten by wiping their noses on their generously augmented breasts.  When asked if they would eventually cave to the PETA pressure Kimberly-Clark spokeswoman Kimberly Clark had this to say:

“It’s not likely.  The kittens were a win-win choice.  We are saving trees plus kittens are cheap as hell and everybody loves them!  Boobs in a box is something we tossed around one of our focus groups but ultimately it didn’t fit with our commitment to family values.  As far as the media campaign,  Greenpeace is hardcore, we just couldn’t take it anymore, but PETA, well they are kinda pussies, so we’re not too worried.”

One thing is for certain, those Kleenexes are cute as hell!

Seen here, AMERICAN BORN former presidential hopefuls share their discontent with a Kenyan immigrant taking a good American job.   Is that Senator Inhofe?